People v Camera v People
I feel like almost every post I make is a recap of the time I’ve spent away from my own site. I always feel as though I’m a little bit behind and that I’m continually trying to catch up. It’s an interesting concept.
I was listening to an episode of the Rookie podcast, and one of the Rookie listeners left a review and used the anecdote of our lives being like an experimental film and we’re not quite sure what we’re looking at. I’m continually feeling more of that each day. I feel as though I started this part of my career, or even this site, knowing exactly what I wanted, though I also understood that these ideas would change. Right now I feel like I’m kind of in a mix of actually not having any ideas at all. It’s a strange feeling. I don’t exactly feel annoyed or angry (though those emotions to sometimes come out when thinking about this topic), and I don’t exactly feel happy or excited over new prospects, I just feel like I’m floating in the middle, in a strange tranquil state. I’m not entirely sure what to say about that either. I feel like it’s becoming a recurring theme in films and conversation of recent. Beauty and The Beast has a line in one of the songs where Belle states that she’s wiser now but unsure, whereas previously she’d stood her ground but she was naive and innocent.
I think the more we grow the more unsure of ourselves we become, which is quite an interesting notion. We take in so much information and we want to do so much with it (maybe that’s just me). We end up in a perpetual state of awareness and unknowing, which is probably the strangest thing I’ve said today. During this state, I’ve been unsure of how I’ve felt with a camera. If you’ve notice or follow me at all, I don’t seem to be picking it up as much. Having a camera with me is something that always seems to occur. My job is that I am a photographer, I do other things outside of that too, and I have many titles it seems but that tends to be the main one. And what is a photographer without their camera? Everything seems to be rehashed work or reposting items that I took a while ago, or just event photographer. I don’t seem to be curating my own work as much. Perhaps that’s due to one of my previous volunteer jobs where I was overworked for no real reason and never got that chance to add my own input. Even through youtube, I’ve found it a bit difficult to be filming things recently. Though events like Madfest and Oz Comic-Con brought a lovely amount of joy, I haven’t really been thinking about what I can do, or what I want to do in terms of using a camera. I feel lazy because of it, and I feel quite strange about my relationship with the camera. I’m terribly aware of social media, it causes and effects, as well as how we are surveilling on another through the web. I’ve also not been posting as much, and I am well aware that my phone is also a camera. I’m not sure where my relationship with the camera stands at the moment. Do I want to be in front of the camera? Such as my old acting work and cosplay photoshoots. Or do I want to be behind the camera? Curating, as usual, creating works for clients and works that evoke. Or maybe I want to do both? Delve more into those self-portraits, similar to Margaret Zhang.
I’m not quite sure where I stand anymore.
But I feel like I’m floating through a strange state almost like tranquillity.